The 5 losing strategies

These are the reflexive, self-defeating behaviors—such as the need to be right or the urge to retaliate—that we use to protect ourselves when we feel triggered or defensive. While these tactics are designed to "win" a conflict, they ultimately destroy intimacy by treating our partners as opponents rather than teammates.

1. Being Right

This isn't about factual accuracy; it's about the need to "win" the argument and have the other person admit they were wrong. It turns a partnership into a courtroom where one person must be the judge and the other the defendant.  The relational answer to who is right and who is wrong is "who cares?"

This strategy is a futile attempt to prove your version of "objective reality." While objective reality is essential for building medical devices or putting satellites into orbit, using the "scientific method" to pursue it has no practical use in a relationship. In intimacy, there is no objective reality—there are only two subjective perspectives that both need to be heard.

2. Controlling Your Partner

This involves using demands, criticism, or manipulation to get your partner to act the way you want. It treats your partner as an object to be managed rather than a person to be related to. Direct or indirect control attempts to get your partner to behave, think, or feel a certain way. Control is the opposite of intimacy, as it treats the other person as an object to be managed rather than a person to be known.

3. Unbridled Self-Expression

Terry calls this the "barf bag approach to intimacy." It’s the belief that you have the right to say whatever you feel, whenever you feel it, regardless of the impact on your partner.

4. Retaliation

This is "offending from the victim position." When we feel hurt, we lash out to make our partner feel the same pain, creating a toxic cycle of "getting even."  Getting even might feel satisfying in the moment, but it undermines trust and intimacy in the long run. Retaliation perpetuates a cycle of anger and hurt, making it difficult to move away from disharmony and into repair. 

5. Withdrawal

Withdrawal is a "walling off" that can be physical or emotional. While it feels like self-protection, Terry views it as a form of abandonment that prevents any possibility of repair.